all of you

one day you'll be the boy that I once loved.

pablo neruda

poetry has piqued my interest recently. his writing is flawless. sometimes my (fleeting)interests are a reflection of my current self.
---------------------------------------------------------
 “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

---------------------------------------------------------

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue."

---------------------------------------------------------

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

---------------------------------------------------------

“Don't go far off, not even for a day,
because I don't know how to say it - a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in
an empty station when the trains are
parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because then
the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve
on the beach, may your eyelids never flutter
into the empty distance. Don't LEAVE me for
a second, my dearest, because in that moment you'll
have gone so far I'll wander mazily
over all the earth, asking, will you
come back? Will you leave me here, dying?”

---------------------------------------------------------

“Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
fool who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter. ”

#carpediem

 

lying on my back

these scars have begun to unravel again.

maybe it's time. I feel that all too familiar tug of transition looming on the horizon. It attracts and repels. Excites and scares.
it scares less than it used to. guess I could attribute it to age or wisdom(something along those lines) but it isn't.
It's an awareness. An awareness that nothing is constant. I could make a decision at this point and it may or may not produce results which please me. But at any point I can change it. I can do or choose to do things differently. And it's okay.
I guess I'm no longer afraid of making the wrong decisions. There are none. Just choices and their reverberations.

goodbye old self

my daily bread

i wasn't even hungry to begin with.

came home to find chicken soup.
had a piece of chicken and some soup.

complemented aforementioned chicken soup with some steamed rice. 
complemented aforementioned steamed rice with some squid sambal.

had another piece of chicken since the first piece was kinda small-ish.(and tasted good)

looked into the oven and found fresh-baked cheese scones.
inhaled said cheese scone.

washed everything done with dessert; red velvet cupcake with black cherry frosting.
and a toblerone chocolate bar but who's counting at this point?

i wasn't even hungry to begin with.


#selfloathe

“It is only shallow people who require years to get rid of an emotion. A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to
use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

coffee and books

that's pretty much all i need for the rest of the year.














guess it won't hurt to throw in a naked boy or 2...
 

(:

new year, same me

measuring my waistline always leads me to erratic diets. Either way i'll be driven to some vegan-slash-nothing-but-water diet.


if it's a big number(which is more commonly the case), i'd fret and cease eating. Then feel so deprived and binge at weird hours when my resolve runs out.


if it's a small number(like today), i'd gloat and bask in the glory of being an xs then overcompensate by eating 3 times my normal portion and eventually feel an immense amount of guilt. i'd start feeling antsy that my 23cm waist could and would possibly end up expanding and monitor every morsel that comes into contact with my mouth and self-judge silently. 

vicious cycle. on and on and on. fuck you bikini bridge. fuck you thigh gap.


"comme un poisson dans l'eau"