Wednesday, February 22, 2017

(Pp)

It's like i feel this need to protect you from the pain I'm causing you. But i catch myself and i realise it's not pain directed from me but rather a result of your own making. 
Why am i still here trying to protect you from you? It was your choice to leave. It will be your choice to never come back. And i know none of these choices are meant to hurt me.
But here i lie. In a puddle of salty tears. With nothing but memories for company.

Friday, July 18, 2014

all of you


one day you'll be the boy that I once loved.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

pablo neruda


poetry has piqued my interest recently. his writing is flawless. sometimes my (fleeting)interests are a reflection of my current self.
---------------------------------------------------------
 “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

---------------------------------------------------------

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue."

---------------------------------------------------------

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

---------------------------------------------------------

“Don't go far off, not even for a day,
because I don't know how to say it - a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in
an empty station when the trains are
parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because then
the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve
on the beach, may your eyelids never flutter
into the empty distance. Don't LEAVE me for
a second, my dearest, because in that moment you'll
have gone so far I'll wander mazily
over all the earth, asking, will you
come back? Will you leave me here, dying?”

---------------------------------------------------------

“Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
fool who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter. ”



Saturday, June 7, 2014

Thursday, May 22, 2014

lying on my back


these scars have begun to unravel again.

Thursday, May 1, 2014


maybe it's time. I feel that all too familiar tug of transition looming on the horizon. It attracts and repels. Excites and scares.
it scares less than it used to. guess I could attribute it to age or wisdom(something along those lines) but it isn't.
It's an awareness. An awareness that nothing is constant. I could make a decision at this point and it may or may not produce results which please me. But at any point I can change it. I can do or choose to do things differently. And it's okay.
I guess I'm no longer afraid of making the wrong decisions. There are none. Just choices and their reverberations.


goodb
ye old self

Monday, March 17, 2014

my daily bread


i wasn't even hungry to begin with.


came home to find chicken soup.
had a piece of chicken and some soup.

complemented aforementioned chicken soup with some steamed rice. 
complemented aforementioned steamed rice with some squid sambal.

had another piece of chicken since the first piece was kinda small-ish.(and tasted good)

looked into the oven and found fresh-baked cheese scones.
inhaled said cheese scone.

washed everything done with dessert; red velvet cupcake with black cherry frosting.
and a toblerone chocolate bar but who's counting at this point?

i wasn't even hungry to begin with.


#selfloathe

Friday, February 7, 2014


“It is only shallow people who require years to get rid of an emotion. A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to
use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
― Oscar Wilde,
The Picture of Dorian Gray

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

coffee and books



that's pretty much all i need for the rest of the year.














guess it won't hurt to throw in a naked boy or 2...
 

(:


Thursday, January 16, 2014

new year, same me


measuring my waistline always leads me to erratic diets. Either way i'll be driven to some vegan-slash-nothing-but-water diet.


if it's a big number(which is more commonly the case), i'd fret and cease eating. Then feel so deprived and binge at weird hours when my resolve runs out.


if it's a small number(like today), i'd gloat and bask in the glory of being an xs
then overcompensate by eating 3 times my normal portion and eventually feel an immense amount of guilt. i'd start feeling antsy that my 23cm waist could and would possibly end up expanding and monitor every morsel that comes into contact with my mouth and self-judge silently. 

vicious cycle. on and on and on. fuck you bikini bridge. fuck you thigh gap.


"comme un poisson dans l'eau"





Tuesday, December 31, 2013

It’s getting to the edge of what could be



I can’t fight it off, I can’t fight it off.....







goodbye.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

if.....


you're a Shar-Pei then I'm a Shar-Pei.




Wednesday, November 6, 2013




let me go cause i need to breathe.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

paused, resume


You be my toad
And I'll be your peach
I'll follow behind you
On koopa beach
I may take a shortcut
But i'll never cheat
I promise.

No one will touch us
If we pick up a star
And if you spin out
You can ride in my car
When we slide together
We generate sparks
In our wheels and our hearts

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The blue shell is coming
So I'll go ahead
If you hang behind
It'll hit me instead
But never look back
Cause I'm down but not dead
I'll catch up to you

Don't worry about
Bowser or DK
Just eat this glowing mushroom
And they'll all fade away

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

To the mushroom cup
And the flower cup
And the star cup
And the reverse cup

Tuesday, September 24, 2013





an instant cure is impossible, but over time we will get through this.


as long as




How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you,
And longer if I can
How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan

How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash upon the sand

How long will I want you?
As long as you want me to,
And longer by far

How long will I hold you?
As long as your father told you,
As long as you can

How long will I give to you?
As long as I live through you,
However long you say

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you,
And longer if I may

We're all traveling through time together
Every day of our lives
All we can do is do our best
To relish this remarkable ride


Sunday, September 22, 2013

Sunday, September 15, 2013


"I am God’s child.  My life is more than this life. These days are a vapor, a passing breeze. This will eventually pass.  God will make something good out of this. I will work hard, stay faithful, and trust Him no matter what.”

Thursday, September 12, 2013


we are the reckless, we are the wild youth.



if you're still breathing, you are the lucky ones
coz most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
.


Wednesday, September 11, 2013


Dreamt of you yesterday. my subconscious recognized your face. it's funny as I walked towards you, I clearly remember my mind trying to recall the finer details of your face.
Your face, it morphed into one that I remember distinctly from memory.

I still feel a little lost sometimes when i think of you. I never got to see you. It feels as if you packed your bags and left in the middle of the night. It didn't feel real for a long time.
You left.
It didn't feel real even as I stood over the concrete slab with your name engraved in it.
In my dream, I went to you and clung on as a baby monkey would her mother, and I cried. You laughed then, the way you used to laugh when I related silly shenanigans.
Then you stroked my hair.



missing you.
when will this end.